Fables for Fines–Library Accounts Revenue Dept.
To Whom It May Concern.
Please immediately expunge any and all late fees and/or fines for the account # xxxxxxxxxxxxxx. This account was created by the Library Accounts Revenue Department (L.A.R.D.) under the auspice of the American Syllabic Society (A.S.S.) using the patron name Andrew X. This account was set up as part of a nationwide sting operation to uncover abuses, and perhaps even crimes, associated with library fines and fees and the institutions administering and collecting said fines and fees.
As part of this investigation, your library has helped uncover a serious series of half truths and outright frauds perpetuated on regular, law-abiding patrons. In one case (at an unnamed facility) fines and fees totaling $17.34 were absconded with to be used in the commission of fine and fee payment at a commercial video rental operation. Perhaps only now, you realize the serious nature of this investigation.
The Lester Library, and its dedicated staff are to be congratulated for properly managing the “overdue” account of Andrew X (like that even sounds like a real name!?), and not becoming overly threatening or resorting to the strong-arm collection tactics used by some other lesser Library facilities. Please also rest assured that L.A.R.D.’s guiding mission of improving the tallying, recording, and collecting of library fines and fees will ensure for all Americans today (and the procrastinators of generations to come) a fraud free overdue fines and fee system from sea to shining sea.
In closing, I encourage you to reflect on the inspiring words of Benjamin Franklin, the father of the American Library system… “If a man, poor or rich, noble or not, does not return his books on time, chances are he hasn’t had time to finish them, or else he might have simply forgot.”
Sir. Fabian Ricardo Caeter
We love it Andrew! Your fines have been forgiven!